Roomies: Season 1
by TayMor
Summary: A control freak. A seafood enthusiast. Two crazed artists with opposing views. Four strange, good looking chaps and one female roommate. Oh, things will get rather interesting in #12 Akatsuki Complex!
1. SE01 Episode 1: Pilot

**OKAAAAYY! I KNOW alright? I know I'm terrible, because I should be updating all my other stuff, and I'm late on a chapter of The Confession, but… but aarrghh I can't help this! Forgive mee! **

**Inspired by New Girl. Seriously, if you haven't watched the show, start now. Please. This won't be a direct copy in style, though.**

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**Chapter 1: Pilot**

"These people are utterly ridiculous. Why is it that the one time that Deidara did the flyers, we get all these weird ass people?" Kisame moaned, slamming the door in the face of the latest applicant for a position as a roommate.

"I…" Deidara sputtered indignantly at Kisame's complaint. "I object! That last one was perfectly alright, un!" Three pairs of eyes locked onto the blonde. "Well… in an I-eat-puppies kind of way, un, but … okay fine he was despicable, but they aren't all horrible!" He raked his blonde hair out of his face.

Taking notice of Deidara's frazzled appearance, Sasori calmly scooped the blonde's hair out of his face and put it in a topknot. Deidara gave Sasori an appreciative glance as the redhead continued on to the kitchen.

"If someone more suitable does not come in the next five people, I will take the flyers down and pay the extra share," Itachi murmured over his coffee. "…Which would mean that I claim parking spot #13 forever, the right side of the fridge, and I choose dinner three nights for the week. I also don't have trash duty or wake-up-Sasori duty, and I get to redecorate this place whenever I want," the dark haired Uchiha said in a monotone while blinking solemnly.

Deidara's eyes widened.

"You… you bitch, un!" he screamed at the Uchiha, throwing his hands in the air and glaring wildly. A strand of hair slid from his topknot. Sasori appeared silently behind the blonde, and promptly fixed it.

Itachi blinked at Deidara and serenely walked into the kitchen to refill his coffee. The Uchiha was completely and utterly addicted to coffee, and had at least four cups every morning. Any less than four and he turned into a bit of a terror.

"Don't you ignore me, un!" Deidara continued screaming, as he stormed towards an unconcerned Itachi. He was about to slap Itachi upside the head with a placemat he'd swiped from the table when a knock sounded on the front door. Deidara halted mid-motion, blue eyes wide.

Kisame raised a brow and stalked towards the door. Before the door even opened fully, a high-pitched male voice sounded.

"HI! I'M TOBI! TOBI IS A VERY GOOD BO-"

Kisame slammed the door shut.

"One down, four to go," Itachi said simply, reaching for the newspaper.

Kisame's eye twitched. He'd been trying really hard to be on his best behavior today, but thoughts of the coveted parking spot, the right side of the fridge (it was definitely the best part of the appliance and there would be SO much space for his tuna), and the domination of the dinner menu thrice weekly (there was so much seafood to be had! Tuna, salmon, catfish, basa, and then shellfish, octopus….) were stakes he was NOT willing to give up to the Uchiha. They would all be eating food with unpronounceable names and dubious sounding ingredients three times for the week… it could not happen!

The four of them, Deidara, Kisame, Sasori and Itachi, had been roommates for six years solid, and none of them had any plans whatsoever to move on. Itachi was a manager in a large law firm (he could have had his own place, but he liked controlling other people, hence the roommate situation… he made it his duty to find ways to control them all), Sasori and Deidara were well to do artists (they perpetually disagreed about art, but their eccentricities prevented them from living alone), and Kisame was… well Kisame owned a bar and a seafood grill.

They each paid one fifth of the rent, one fifth of the utilities, one fifth of the supermarket bill, and one fifth of the price of generally used items like the telephone, the sofa etc… that is… when they had another roommate. Other than that, whoever paid two-fifths got privileges. Unfortunately, only Itachi had the money to pay two-fifths (he'd created the rule with this exact reason in mind) and the Uchiha, though perfectly reasonable on the outside, constantly schemed to get rid of their new roommates so he could perpetually lord his privileges over the others.

It had to stop.

They had to find a roommate capable of withstanding all that was Itachi! But all the people that applied to Deidara's flyers were idiots or flakes and it was all getting on Kisame's case! He needed his Seafood Day, and he was so adamant about it usually that he _knew _it would be the very first thing Itachi changed!

An hour passed before a knock sounded on the door. Sasori opened it, calmly sucking on lollipop.

"Hello there," a smooth voice said from the door. All the occupants of the condo could literally imagine the eyes raking up and down Sasori's slim figure. There was only one problem. It was a male voice… All the roommates were completely and undeniable _straight. _

Sasori slammed the door shut.

Itachi smirked.

Deidara screamed.

"And then there were three…" Itachi said smoothly, taking another sip of his coffee and turning a page in the newspaper. Kisame felt exactly how Deidara looked. Frazzled.

"Maybe we can put some nice sculptures in place of those god-awful explosion video-clips when you redecorate, hmm?" Sasori muttered to himself after triple bolting the front door. He had a strange pallor to his skin as he thought about the bonafide pedophile that had been at the door. The way the man had licked his lips…. Eagh.

The redhead dodged the shoe that Deidara flung at his head. It hit the door behind him and fell harmlessly to the floor.

"They are NOT awful, they are art! Art is a bang, un! Gone in a flash!" Deidara yelled, scowling.

"They _will _be gone in a flash when I trash them," Sasori countered, blinking solemnly at Deidara.

"Well, they're better than your creepy dolls, Sasori," Deidara snarled.

"Guys…" Kisame groaned, clutching his head. "Not this again… seriously! You guys never stop…"

"Leave them be, Kisame," Itachi muttered from behind his newspaper. "Let them get angry, and scare off all the applicants… and then I can secure a spot in the fridge for the mushrooms I want to use for dinner tonight…" Kisame's eye twitched.

Mushrooms?

"Oi, you to better clam up, or I swear to Kami…" the seafood-lover snarled at the two artists. They scowled at each other for five full seconds before Deidara pranced off to fiddle with the buttons on a remote to change the explosion video-clip on one of the screens mounted on the wall.

There was a knock on the door. Three sharp raps.

Three was the condo's lucky number. Deidara, Sasori and Kisame shared a meaningful glance… well… Sasori was unwrapping his third lollipop for the morning.

This was it. If this wasn't the right person, the condo's mojo would be ruined, Itachi would have dominion over them, and all would be lost in the grand scheme of things. This person_ had _to be perfect!

Deidara was the one to open the door this time.

"Hi," came the greeting from the person outside. It was a female voice. Oh, this could possibly be quite interesting!

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**Who shall it be? Sakura, Hinata, Ino… or anyone else you suggest? I'm thinking to go with the majority, so please review! It will probably turn into a romance at some point, but I'm not sure yet! **

**Do let me know what you thought, though!**


	2. SE01 Episode 2: Three, Two, One

**There will be moment of OOCness throughout this series, because this, is a crack-fic. For the pure purpose of my (and hopefully your) mirthful enjoyment.**

**Season 1, Episode 2: Three, Two, One**

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_Previously, on Roomies:_

_"If someone more suitable does not come in the next five people, I will take the flyers down and pay the extra share," Itachi murmured over his coffee. _

_There was a knock on the door. Three sharp raps._

_Three was the condo's lucky number. Deidara, Sasori and Kisame shared a meaningful glance… well… Sasori was unwrapping his third lollipop for the morning._

_This was it. If this wasn't the right person, the condo's mojo would be ruined, Itachi would have dominion over them, and all would be lost in the grand scheme of things. This person had to be perfect!_

_Deidara was the one to open the door this time._

_"Hi," came the greeting from the person outside._

* * *

"Oh, Kami, you are _hawt," _the female voice purred as the door swung open. Deidara's eyes swung open. She looked...

"She looks just like you," Sasori intoned monotonously from behind Deidara's ear.

"I knooow, right?" the woman said, her eyes raking over Deidara's slim figure. "It's like a masculine version of yours truly, and its _fantastic!" _she cooed, adding a sensual meow at the end of her sentence.

Deidara's eyebrow twitched. He hated when people looked like him. Dammit, he was a piece of art okay? And no one was supposed to steal his art!

"She does not look like me! I am ten times better looking, un! not to mention I don't have fuckin' pimples,un, and my hair is a dishwater blonde! ITS SUNSHINE BLONDE OKAY!" Deidara yelled, almost on the verge of frustrated tears. He just could not understand how anyone could think he looked like that! He was obviously so much more...artistic. He was a piece of artwork created to be viewed and awed over.

"Excuse me?" the blonde snapped, snapping her knuckles ominously.

"I don't care if that Uchiha bastard gets the parking lot, un! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU!" he screamed, slamming the door in the face of the woman at the doorstep. He was breathing heavily, breaths coming out in hot, flustered puffs, and his face was red with... emotion.

"Uh... Deidara?" Kisame growled from Deidara's right. "What the hell was that?"

"Shut it Salmon-head! I was _not _going to have that sub par version of myself strutting around the house,un. Did you _see _the way she was looking at me?" he screamed.

"It's true," Sasori said blandly, smoothing Deidara's hair. He wanted some of it for his puppets, so he was currently sucking up to the blonde in hopes that Deidara would, in the heated throes of gratitude for his loyalty, give him some of the blonde hair.

"It would have felt like watching incest," the redhead added, eyeing the blonde's hair calculatingly. Kisame looked at Deidara, thought about the crazy woman who had been at the door, then shuddered. He thought about it some more.

"They would have looked like two sisters going at it..." he murmured, looking off into the distance.

"I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GIRL, UN!" Deidara screamed, extremely distressed. There was utter silence in the apartment for a full fifteen seconds.

"You do," Itachi deadpanned, then went back to his cup of coffee. It was his third cup for the day, so he just had one more to go before he was fit for society.

"Wh-?" Deidara complained. "What part of this..." he began, gesturing at his body with his hands as he ripped his shirt off and displayed his toned abs, "looks like a girl, un?" There was another period of silence in the apartment.

"SERIOUSLY?" Deidara yelled, storming out of the room, muttering loudly to himself.

"He didn't even wait for us to assuage his fears," Sasori muttered, even though it was obvious he would _not _have _ever_ said anything comforting to Deidara, _even _for a generous portion of the blonde's hair. Sasori did not want a _lock _of Deidara's hair.

No. He wanted it _all. _

Deidara popped back out, though, the moment that another knock sounded at the door. He sent a glare in Itachi's direction, as the Uchiha was currently on his computer looking at the money in his bank account.

"Yes, Deidara. Go and open the door again. It seems I definitely have enough money to pay the lion's share," Itachi said, his face bland. Deidara growled under his breath.

"Sasori, there is no way I'm answering the door, un," the blonde pouted, folding his arms over his chest.

"Damn, shut the fuck up, I'll do it!" Kisame growled, stalking over to the door and yanking it open.

A pink haired, green eyed female walked in and before anyone even had time to admire her looks. She began.

"Oh! My! Kami! Uchiha Itachi-sama!" she screamed. She was wearing nurse scrubs, but had a gigantic Uchiha crest tacked on to the front and back of the dark blue garment. "I _love _your family!" she squealed. "I've even got these pictures...!" she began, dragging a large photo album out of her equally large bag and slamming it on the counter.

"Look, awww, baby Itachi-sama! And Oooohh! Look at Fugaku-sama and Mikoto-sama cuddling in bed! And, oh, Itachi-sama, I brought your favorite deodorant for you," she rambled, emptying her bag on the counter. A plethora of items clattered out of the bag, among which were underwear, trinkets, more photographs, tomatoes, pocky, and a couple of other strange stuff that no one had time to really see.

Why?

Because Uchiha Itachi had _not _yet had his fourth cup of coffee.

In a movement so swift they barely saw him move, every item was scraped off the counter, back into the woman's cavernous bag, and bag, woman (but not the album) were safely transported out of the apartment. Itachi slammed the door before she could recover and reached for the phone.

The other stunned men could only watch as Itachi jabbed three numbers on the phone.

"Hello... yes? Konoha Police Department? Yes, I would like to report a stalker...

* * *

Kisame sat in the middle of parking spot #13, drawing sad little crying fish on the tarmac with a bit of chalk he'd found. They were doomed. Each and every one of the people that came as a result of Deidara's flyer were just... not going to cut it.

He looked up morosely at the sound of footsteps, then blinked. A beautiful, well endowed, pale eyed woman walked past him, smiling gently at him as she passed. Her curtain of dark hair shimmered behind her as she walked, swaying behind her back with her every movement. Kisame's eyes trailed down to her rear end, one dark blue brow rising as he watched.

Damn.

"Now see that?" he muttered to himself. "Why can't someone like _that _want to live with us?" he groused. He sighed, watching her walk. As she approached door #12 in the Akatsuki Complex.

It wasn't possible. Could it be possible? She walked even closer.

_'Oh, please, Kami, let it be possible!' _Kisame begged frantically, rising from his position on the ground.

She stopped at number 12, checked the numeral plate on the outside of the door, and then knocked.

"YES!" Kisame screamed, leaping to his feet and doing his victory stance - which consisted of feet placed shoulder distance apart and both hands in the air. He called it, Position X... because it looked like an X.

As the door opened, Kisame trotted up behind the newcomer. He ushered her inside, closed the door behind him.

"Guys..." he said, eyeing the other men beseechingly. "Please?"

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**Kisame is desperate to keep Itachi away from the right side of the fridge. But will the other guys accept this lovely newcomer? Stay tuned for the next episode of Roomies!**

***dramatic TV series soundtrack***

**Revieww~~~**


	3. SE01 Episode 3: And Sparks Flew

**Ty for the lovely response!**

**OOC Warning. No like, no read.**

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**Episode 3: And Sparks Flew**

_Previously, on Roomies:_

_He looked up morosely at the sound of footsteps, then blinked. A beautiful, well endowed, pale eyed woman walked past him, smiling gently at him as she passed. Her curtain of dark hair shimmered behind her as she walked, swaying behind her back with her every movement. Kisame's eyes trailed down to her rear end, one dark blue brow rising as he watched._

_She stopped at number 12, checked the numeral plate on the outside of the door, and then knocked._

_As the door opened, Kisame trotted up behind the newcomer. He ushered her inside, closed the door behind him._

_"Guys..." he said, eyeing the other men beseechingly. "Please?" _

* * *

It is a truth universally known that Uchiha Itachi always remains in control of the situation. It is another universally known truth that Uchiha Itachi always thinks through things before he speaks. Putting these two universally known truths together, it was perfectly understandable that Deidara and Sasori be skeptical when Uchiha Itachi immediately answered the affirmative to Kisame's pleaded question.

There was a moment of silence after the Uchiha's surprisingly easy acquiescence before Deidara exploded.

"Oh hell no! This pale eyed gorgeous bitch is so not moving in here! I won't stand for it, un!" the blonde erupted. "There is no way I am gonna live with her, un, if Itachi agreed so fast!" Deidara did not miss the smirk that twisted Itachi's lips for that fraction of a second. Neither did Kisame. Or Sasori.

"Ehm..." the girl murmured. "Am I rejected already?" her large grey eyes widened and her plump clear-glossed lips parted slightly.

"Uh..." Deidara groaned blankly, blue eyes darting from Itachi, to the newcomer, and back again. Rinse and repeat. "Well... not rejected, per se..." the blonde muttered, a red tint rising to his cheeks.

The woman's eyes widened hopefully and she looked around at the men before her. Sasori sauntered over to Deidara and began to play with his hair, rubbing the strands through his fingers. This woman could be a muse, but imagine her with Deidara's hair... hmmm, he ought to make a puppet like that and see.

"Do you mind living in a house with four men?" Sasori asked, raking his fingers through the silky blonde strands. Before she could answer, though, Sasori noticed something. "Hmm, Itachi... how is it that your hair is not as soft as Deidara's? You may need to change your conditioner..." the redhead mused, vaguely aware of that twitching of Itachi's eyebrow that meant that the Uchiha was annoyed.

Itachi trailed off to pour himself another coffee. When he re-emerged, Kisame was still standing behind the female, round eyes still looking beseechingly from one roommate to the next.

Moving on, Sasori left Deidara's hair and walked over to the girl.

"So... what is your name, anyway?" he asked, blinking green eyes at her while eyeing her hair with great interest.

"H-Hyuuga Hinata..." she responded.

"Ah... never heard of you..." Sasori muttered, before walking off into the kitchen. Deidara gave Hinata a look, before folding his arms and frowning in concentration. Realizing how weird his roommates must look, Kisame, being the self-proclaimed 'most normal' one, took the situation into his own hands. Literally.

"Uh, Hinata-chan," he said while lifting the female into his brawny arms. "They are not as weird as they look... well... they are... a bit. Okay, mostly they are even weirder than they seem, but... they are harmless. Almost," he said, giving her a shark-like grin that was supposed to be comforting as he carted her away from Deidara and Itachi - who had gone back to drinking his coffee and eyeing the situation with strange pride.

"O-Okay...?" Hinata muttered, trying to shy away from the Hoshigaki, but not entirely succeeding, since she was in his arms.

"Exactly. It's all okay. I'm Hoshigaki Kisame-"

"The seafood enthusiast?" Hinata asked, perking up immediately. "I've read all your cookbooks! Y-You are amazing!"

"I am? I mean, of course, I am," Kisame said happily, setting the dark haired female in front of the apartment's enormous fish tank, which housed Kisame's pet shark Samehada. "Well, anyway, the long dark haired one back there is Uchiha Itachi, and the redhead is Akasuna Sasori and the blonde is Deidara. I think he was drunk when he changed his name, because he forgot to give himself a surname... he's an artist, so I guess that explains it..." Kisame continued.

At this point, Hinata had not yet noticed the large shark lurking about in the fish tank, or rather, _aquarium. _

"And this," Kisame continued, his voice filled with pride, "is Samehada. I found him while surfing in the Land of Waves. I don't know. Something about the way he was biting my arm... what can I say, we fell in love."

"H-He... bit you?" Hinata asked.

"Well yes," Kisame said, pulling his shirt off so she could see the scars made from the sharkbite. Teeth marks formed a C shape across his biceps, curving almost at the centre of his chest before cutting across his abs and ending right at the top of his forearm.

"So... do you want to pet him?"

* * *

Itachi, hearing talking coming from the living room, where the aquarium was housed, stalked over to see what he could find out to maintain his control over the other occupants of his house, whom he thought of as his minions. With the right incentive, he could get his minions to do whatever he wanted them to do. He crouched behind the sofa stealthily peeking around the corner of the arm rest.

Sasori trailed behind him, quietly thinking of an opportunity where he could, perchance, snip off a lock or two... or fifteen from Itachi's hair to attach to his miniature puppets. Too bad the Uchiha was so hard to sneak up on. He knelt behind the Uchiha, staring at the man's hair and wondering how many unbroken bones he would have left if he just clipped off a few … dozen locks of Itachi's hair. No, Itachi was more the mental torture kind of guy.

Sasori knew that maybe he had better wait until he'd moved his projects to an offshore storage facility first...

"Well, you should stay. I have given my vote, as has Itachi," the Uchiha overheard Kisame saying. "Sasori and Deidara will want you to stay as well... we may just have to work on them a bit," the seafood enthusiast muttered. "It's already half in your favor... so we just need one more to get a majority."

Itachi smiled to himself. Time to control his minions. All he needed to do was find a situation in which either Deidara or Sasori would find it to their benefit to have the beautiful woman be the new addition to their apartment. Itachi, never one to deceive himself, was already attracted to the woman before him. He just wasn't really sure why. He needed more time. He would find out why she attracted him, neutralize the threat (since attraction to women was something he considered a weakness, and Itachi did not have weaknesses...except for dango, but no one knew that), and then find a way to make her hate the apartment so much that she left. Just like all the other occupants he'd scared off.

Taking into consideration Sasori's new fascination with hair, Itachi knew just the thing. And he was having split ends anyway.

"Hn," the Uchiha muttered. "If someone moves in here within the day, I may find myself in need of a haircut." He said it in a low enough tone that it would sound like he was talking to himself, but he knew that the puppet master heard him.

Good.

Deidara chose that moment to make his entrance. Shirtlessly.

"Hinata," he said loudly, storming into the living room. Samehada, who hated Deidara, swooped towards the aquarium glass and slammed his nose into it with enough force to send vibrations through the room. Deidara, used to Samehada's charges by now, having lived in the house with the shark for years on end, only gave a loud shriek of pure terror before backing away with his hands in the air.

"Hinata," he tried again, in a much quieter voice. "Do you think I look like a female?"

Hinata blinked, everything seeming like it was moving so fast around her.

"Well... not at all, Deidara-san," she said, her eyes lingering on the blonde's defined abs.

"WHAT SHE SAID, UN! " Deidara yelled, glaring at Kisame and then at Itachi and Sasori who were still lurking behind the sofa. He flung slim, but muscular arms around Hinata's shoulders. The female blushed a deep red at the contact.

"Okay, I accept! Move in with us!" the blonde said loudly.

Itachi was annoyed. His plan had not failed, per se, but it had not gone according to … well, to the way he planned it, and now Sasori would be expecting hair from him. It was all Hinata's fault. She should have denied Deidara... called him effeminate. Anything. And as for Deidara...

Itachi poured the remains of his coffee stealthily over Deidara's explosion monitor.

There were a couple 'bzzzzt bzzzzt' sounds before sparks shot from the appliance, and then the entire apartment was plunged into darkness.

There was silence for about ten seconds before all hell broke loose. For Itachi, at least.

There was a yank upon his ponytail, followed by the distinct cruching sound that scissors made when cutting through a large amount of hair, and then his head felt lighter immediately after.

It had been done so quickly.

And then Deidara was screeching loudly about his precious monitor, and Kisame was calling Samehada's name worriedly and... and while walking gracefully around in the dark apartment in order to find Sasori, Itachi tripped over something that should _not _have been there and went falling face first to the floor. There were suspicious crashes and bangs around the apartment, with Deidara's shrieks of pain and fright, and then the monotonous thumping as Samehada slammed into his aquarium glass.

"What the hell is going on?" Kisame wailed. "Why did the lights go out? Samehada? Samehada my dear! Are you okay? Please stop banging against your glass!"

"ITACHI, THIS IS YOUR FAULT! THIS IS YOUR FAULT YOU INEPT FREAK, UN!"Deidara was screeching. "I HATE YOU, UN! YOU POURED COFFEE ON MY BEST MONITOR!"

Itachi was trying to get up, but there was something heavy and restricting around his legs and he found himself unable to move.

Added to this, someone was puttering around in the kitchen, and pots and pans were being clattered around making the distinct ringing noises as they crashed to the ground.

A glass broke.

Itachi rolled onto his back with a mouthful of carpet fuzz the exact moment that the lights came back on.

A look around the apartment told him it was an absolute mess.

Deidara was standing on the table, a glass cup in one hand, a large pot on his head, and a full salt shaker in the other hand. His hair was wild and tangled, and his eyes were darting back and forth frantically.

Sasori was still holding the edge of the sofa blanket, the other end of which was wrapped tightly around Itachi's legs. He had a lollipop in his mouth and was blandly staring at the fistful of shiny black hair in his hand.

Kisame was pressed to Samehada's glass, arms spread wide as if trying to hold the glass together - Itachi supposed that this must be some sort of hug? - with his eyes squeezed shut.

And Hinata was standing still against the wall, the breaker box open behind her and a wrench and allen key in her hands.

"I like to fix things..." she said quietly in explanation. Deidara, glass cup and salt shaker forgotten, launched himself gratefully at Hinata... who sidestepped him. Deidara ended up crashing into the wall behind her, the pot on his head making a dull ringing sound at the contact, before the blonde fell limply to his knees.

Itachi, Kisame and Sasori only spared Deidara a passing glance before eyeing the apartment. It looked like a tornado had struck. A tornado named Deidara.

"Was all that really necessary?" Kisame muttered, his gaze passing over the overturned chairs, broken vases, and kitchenware that was strewn about the apartment. Picture frames hung askance and there was a hole in one of the walls.

"I thought... I needed to protect myself against Samehada, un... That shark bastard hates me," Deidara mumbled weakly from the floor.

"I-Isn't Samehada-kun in a cage?" Hinata murmured, blinking in shock as she peered around the apartment.

"Shut up..." Deidara groaned, removing the pot from his head. "Just shut up and move in. No one here knows how to fix anything... and you'll make repairs one less thing for that bastard Uchiha to pay for, un."

"You no longer have any choice in the matter," Itachi said, speaking directly to Hinata for the first time. "You will move in tomorrow."

* * *

**So, after a bit of confusion, Hinata has been accepted! It seems that some of the men like her more than they are letting on! However will she adjust? Please review, and stay tuned for the next episode of Roomies!**

***dramatic TV soundtrack***


	4. SE01 Episode 4: And The Naughty Corner

**Thank you for the lovely response you guys! Hope we can keep you laughing!**

**OOCness. No like, No read!**

* * *

**Episode 4: And The Naughty Corner**

_Previously, on Roomies:_

_"Hinata," he said loudly, storming into the living room. Samehada, who hated Deidara, swooped towards the aquarium glass and slammed his nose into it with enough force to send vibrations through the room. Deidara, used to Samehada's charges by now, having lived in the house with the shark for years on end, only gave a loud shriek of pure terror before backing away with his hands in the air._

_"I thought... I needed to protect myself against Samehada, un... That shark bastard hates me," Deidara mumbled weakly from the floor._

_"I-Isn't Samehada-kun in a cage?" Hinata murmured, blinking in shock as she peered around the apartment._

_"Shut up..." Deidara groaned, removing the pot from his head._

* * *

Kisame pushed open the door to the Akatsuki Complex Apartment #12, dropped his keys on the kitchen counter with a weary sigh and headed to the fridge. It had been a long hard day in the life of a seafood enthusiast, what with his new seafood cookbook signing and fishing trip with his friend Suigetsu. Now, all he wanted was a nice cold beer and a Salmon Run magazine to kick back with...

Kisame sensed a presence in the dining room, which adjoined the kitchen, and sighed heavily at the sight.

Deidara was sitting in the corner of the dining room, his black Guilt Hoodie hugging his slim figure like a protective shroud - the hood pulled down as far as it would go over his eyes -, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs.

Oh dear.

What had he done now?

"Deidaraaa... What did you do?" Kisame asked, as if coaxing information out of a naughty child... which in this case he was pretty much _actually _doing.

"Mffllshghrrpssndutnksmeddha..." Deidara mumbled under his breath, guilty eyes trained anywhere _but _Kisame. Sasori walked up, lollipop in his mouth and pajama pants hanging low on his hips. He said nothing, but just stared at his blonde roommate and then scratched his bare chest.

The front door opened, and Hinata breezed inside, her hair a little windblown (still perfect in her case since her hair was _never _messy), dropped her keys on the counter much like Kisame had, and came closer, brows pulled together in confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked, her voice's whispery quality putting a smile on Kisame's face. The smile fell though, when he turned his attention back to Deidara, who was still sulking in the corner, palpable waves of guilt emanating from him.

"When Deidara feels guilty, he puts on his Guilt Hoodie and sits in that spot. We call it the Naughty Corner," Sasori supplied blandly before shoving the lollipop back into his mouth. Hinata mutely nodded her understanding and joined Sasori and Kisame in the staring.

"It's a compulsion he can't refuse," Kisame continued. "When he does something bad, he may stew in the guilt for a little while, but then he cannot help but put on that black hoodie and go sulk in that spot... kinda like those little kids that shit their pants and then go hide in the corner," Kisame explained.

"He also thinks of the hoodie like how an ostrich might think of sand. He thinks that only Itachi can really see him if he stays there like that..." Sasori added, sounding as if he were talking about something as normal as the weather.

Itachi glided up to see what was happening amongst Hinata and his minions - he hadn't figured out a way to control her yet, but he would, and then she would be a minion too - and stopped short.

"Hn?" he asked, and the others just seemed to understand that he meant 'What's going on?'.

"Apparently, Deidara is in the Naughty Corner," Hinata muttered to the Uchiha, not noticing the way his eyes lingered on her.

"Deidara... What did you do?" Itachi asked, blinking slowly at Deidara. Deidara looked up, eyes wide and distressed, and he hugged himself tighter.

"It was Samehada's fault, un... or maybe the beer!" Deidara cried, tugging the hoodie further over his eyes.

"Deidara... we can see you even if you do that," Kisame muttered, before taking in what the blonde pyromaniac had said. Wait, what?

Kisame joined the others in stunned silence as they all stood, eyes glued to Deidara. Then Kisame remembered Deidara saying something about Samehada... If he had done something to hurt his precious son- ahem, _shark, _Kisame would kill him!

"Deidara..." he said warningly, taking a step closer to Deidara. Deidara looked up at him, pushed off the hoodie and scowled.

"I _might _have pissed in Samehada's tank, un, but only because stupid Uchiha Bastard was taking too long in the bathroom. I keep telling him to leave the door open when he's in there, un, and so I had a beer, and then Samehada Teme was looking at me weird, so I... Ipissedinthetank..." Deidara said quickly, his words jumbling together.

Kisame went stock still, eyes wide with shock.

Itachi glided around to Kisame, lifted the stone-rendered man under his arms and stood him outside, before locking the door in the statue-man's face before Kisame's brain could process what Deidara had said.

Kisame didn't move a muscle.

"D-Deidara-san... I don't think that was so smart..." Hinata muttered. Sasori moved past her, grabbed a lock of Deidara's hair and nodded, making a sound of agreement in the back of his throat. Everyone prepared themselves for the inevitable blonde joke.

"You forgot to moisturize this morning..." Sasori mumbled instead before walking off.

"Hn," Itachi grunted, which everyone took to mean 'You idiot. _Always _moisturize!', and the Uchiha moved to the fridge, opened it, and peered inside.

Kisame was still as stiff as stone outside the door, his eyes wide.

"Stop picking on me, un!" Deidara cried. "I ought to feed Shark Bastard a stick of dynamite! He's freaking me out. He keeps running at me with his fishy fin leg things when I go in the living room, un!" Sasori nodded sagely and then turned to Hinata. He pulled his lollipop from his mouth.

"I think generally, I am an affectionate person, am I not Hinata?" Sasori asked, blinking green eyes at Hinata. Hinata blinked pale grey eyes back, one brow rising in utter confusion.

"E-Eto... what?" she murmured.

Outside, the tiny cogs and gears of Kisame's fishy brain began to turn and his round eyes widened.

Itachi closed to fridge door and turned to the others.

"I'm affectionate, because I always take the newspaper off the front porch," Sasori said, giving his lollipop a contemplative lick.

"Uh... I think you mean 'helpful'," Hinata supplied, putting her index finger to her chin as she thought.

"We need to go to the supermarket," Itachi declared.

Deidara, feeling that his act may not have been so terrible began to slip away from the Naughty Corner, tentatively shuffling closer to the others and eyeing them hopefully.

It finally hit Kisame what Deidara had done.

"DON'T YOU TAKE _ONE STEP _AWAY FROM THAT NAUGHTY CORNER, YOU EFFEMINATE BOTTLE-BLONDE TERRORIST!" Kisame screamed from outside and began banging on the door as he struggled to get inside. Deidara halted, scrambling back into the Naughty Corner.

"Wha-? I AM NOT A BOTTLE-BLONDE! MY GOLDEN BLONDE IS COMPLETELY NATURAL! SO YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" Deidara screamed. Kisame was having none of it, however.

"How _DARE _you put your nasty piss in Samehada's room? I will fillet your saggy ass as soon as I get in there and catch you, you miserable ugly freak!" Kisame threatened.

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEANN?!" Deidara cried, eyes tearing up and watering suspiciously. Sasori casually walked over to the door and opened it, stepping out of the way just in time to avoid being steamrolled by a fish-man on a rampage.

Deidara screamed as Kisame stormed towards him, but didn't dare move from the Naughty Corner, his guilt holding him securely in place.

"I'm affectionate, because I let Kisame in..." Sasori tried again. He wanted to be affectionate! But Hinata still wasn't agreeing.

"No... I think you mean 'sadistic'," she said, crushing the puppet master's hopes. What was he supposed to _do _to be affectionate then? Itachi found a spot to stand in where he could covertly stare at Hinata. She was a real threat to his regime. Every time he stared at her in order to find out her weaknesses, she would do some sort of hidden, devious technique that made him think of how beautiful she was... but he _would _figure her out! The Uchiha's eyes narrowed as he watched his target.

Kisame, reaching up to Deidara, grabbed the smaller man by the collar of his shirt and yanked him several inches off the ground.

"I'm going to drop you in Samehada's tank so he can express himself," Kisame growled, carrying Deidara several steps towards the living room. The blonde began kicking and screaming immediately.

"AAAaaaaiiiiieeeeee! NO! NAO!" he yelled, struggling in vain as he tried to escape. "I'll do anything, just _pplleeaassee...!_" he begged.

"Fine," Kisame snapped, narrowing his eyes at Deidara. "Cut off five inches of your hair for Sasori..." Sasori perked up immediately, upon hearing the words 'hair' and 'Sasori'. Was he to be getting some hair? But regrettably, Kisame was not done.

"Or, stay in the Naughty Corner until I say you can move."

"What? No!" Deidara protested. "T-Today is Thursday... that's the day Konoha's Next Top Model comes out and this is the part where they reveal who is in the Top Three! I'll miss the show!" Deidara cried, immediately stressed.

"You can watch it..." Kisame said, and when Deidara's eyes brightened, Kisame smirked and continued, "...when I tell you that you can get up!" Sasori saw an opportunity to get more hair.

"Samehada would want us to give you spoilers to ruin it for you when you _did _get to watch it," Sasori said calmly around his lollipop as he eyed Deidara's hair. When had that gotten back in his mouth? Hmm, interesting.

Itachi was steadily thinking more and more about how beautiful Hinata was. Damn it! She'd used the distraction technique again!

"What?" Deidara yelled, eyes wide with horror. "That damn Shark Bastard is out to get me! I don't _know _which one to choose!" Itachi was too distracted by Hinata's beauty to find out her weakness, so he turned his attention to Deidara.

"Which is more important? Your hair, or the Konoha's Next Top Model Top Three Revealed episode?" the Uchiha asked blandly.

"I think Samehada would want me to turn off the internet tonight so that you have to watch it tomorrow... after everyone else is in the know..." Sasori added. He would not give up on the hair. Deidara's eyes widened in sheer and complete horror.

"AAGGHHH!" he screamed in mental agony.

"What will it be, or shall we flip a coin?" Kisame asked, jerking Deidara savagely.

"Coin! No, wait! I'll sit! No! Wait! I'll give my hai- … NAO! Coin!" Deidara sputtered, not knowing what to do. All his options were terrible. Why had he ever pissed in Samehada's tank?

Kisame released Deidara and reached into his pocket for a coin.

"Heads, you give your hair. Tails you sit and miss the Konoha's Next Top Model episode," Kisame barked sharply, flipping the coin.

"NAOO! Wait! I'm not ready! Let me think!" Deidara screamed, eyes wide and hands flailing.

"Too late," Kisame growled with sadistic humor. "It was heads. Sasori?"

Sasori, giving one short, rare, _very creepy _smile before grabbing a pair of scissors out of... (Where had he even gotten them?), cut five inches off Deidara's silky blonde locks with ninja-like speed and accuracy.

"My puppets are smiling," Sasori said blandly, disappearing with his fistful of blonde hair.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOO!" Deidara screamed. "NNNAAAOOOOO!"

The other occupants of the apartment shook their heads sadly and moved away to give the blonde some quiet time to grieve.

* * *

**So, both Deidara and Itachi have had their hair harvested by Sasori, and now only have hair that brushes the nape of their necks. Will Hinata, the only long haired roommate, keep her hair safe from Sasori's scissors? **

**Stay tuned for the next episode of Roomies! **

***dramatic TV soundtrack***


	5. SE01 Episode 5: And The Laxative

**Thank you for the awesome response - glad I can make y'all laugh (^_^). BTW, please check out the proposed updating schedule on my profile.**

**Sorry for the delay - there was a network error. (lol)**

**OOCness abounds. No like, no read.**

* * *

**Episode 5: And The Laxative**

_Time: 1630 hours_

Three figures hug the walls, full black outfits keeping them adequately shrouded in the shadows of the unlit living room.

_Location: Akatsuki Complex, Lot #12_

Behind them, in a gigantic water-filled tank with blue lights rimming the floor, a large shark lurks. The toothy mouth of the aquatic menace is agape, but the dark suited figures pay it no mind.

"India Team Zero Zero One. Alpha Bravo Charlie, One Two Three, Over," the first figure whispers raspily into his walkie talkie as he rolls stealthily towards the doorway. The light from the shark tank reflects slightly on his spiky dark blue hair. Immediately after the code is whispered, the other two members of the team separate, one darting behind the couch and the other slipping into the passageway.

"Alpha Bravo Charlie, One Two Three, copy. This is Puppet Meister, over. Target in sight, over," a deep smooth voice says into the team leader's earpiece, coming from the second in command, a slim red-haired male.

"Pyromaniac, Pyromaniac, do you read? Over," the leader continues into his mouthpiece.

"This is Pyromaniac, over. Target is in sight, but there's heat, Kisame, over," the third member of the team says quietly.

"Damn it, Deidara... You're supposed to use the code-name, over," the leader snaps in annoyance.

"Sorry, un. Let me do it over then, you fishy bastard, un. This is Pyromaniac, over. Target is in sight, un, but there's heat Sharkie, over," Pyromaniac repeats.

"Capture formation seventeen, boys. Keep eyes on the goal, over," the leader says quietly.

"CF Seventeen, copy. Moving into formation, over," the other two say simultaneously, rolling quietly into formation. The sole Tango, or enemy, looked up, but didn't see them.

Before them, in a dimly lit dining room, to the left of a wooden table, is the target. Set in the centre of a white, circular ceramic plate is the mother lode. India Team Zero Zero One has been planning this heist for a month. The target is only guarded by one Tango, a dark-haired, dark-eyed individual. He must be left alive, and is difficult to distract. Luckily, India Team Zero Zero One has already decided on a plan and several contingency plans and formations in order to lay hold of the target. They have never failed a mission before.

Puppet Meister reaches into his pack and draws for his collared, standard issue pet-store white rat and releases it into the dining room.

"Pyromaniac, prepare the decoy, over," Sharkie snaps softly into his mouthpiece.

"Decoy ready, over," Pyromaniac replies. The mouse, dubbed Chiisu-kun, darts into the dining room, running directly for the blocks of cheese pre-attached to the legs of the table. The Tango leaps to his feet and runs into one of the adjoining rooms.

Sharkie clamps his index and middle finger together and waves them back and forth.

"Go, go, go, boys, over," he whispers urgently. Pyromaniac jumps on the coffee table and begins dancing sexily.

"Go Gogo Boys, copy. Boy going Gogo, un, over," Pyromaniac says happily into his mouthpiece.

"Pyromaniac, you bloody idiot, over. I said Go, go, go, not go Gogo, over. Get off the coffee table and apprehend the target, over," Sharkie rasps angrily into his mouthpiece. Pyromaniac scrambles off the table and folds his arms over his chest.

"Geez, Kisame... I mean, Sharkie, over. You don't have to get so impatient, over, un," Pyromaniac groused. "Just so you know, you are a shitty captain, over."

"Shut up, Pyromaniac, over. Just apprehend the target before the Tango does a one eighty, over," Sharkie barks.

"Whatever you barkie, Sharkie, un, over," Pyromaniac retorts, chuckling to himself as he gets into position.

The team rolls deftly into the dining room, slide the plate off the table and replace it with the decoy, before darting back into the living room before the Tango returns.

"Mission is a success, un, boys. Target acquired, over," Pyromaniac says delightedly over the earpiece.

"Retreat to base before you celebrate, over," Puppet Meister chides blandly.

* * *

Itachi came back into the dining room, armed with a baseball bat to effectively delete that pesky rat from existence. By the time he reentered the room, however, the rat _and_ his late lunch of spicy curried prawns, white rice and Ceasar Salad, have disappeared, the latter being replaced by a plateful of cheap plastic fruits.

Not again!

This made the seventeenth time - Itachi had been keeping count - that Kisame, Deidara and Sasori had made off with his food! The Uchiha was getting sick and tired of having his meals stolen from him, and cursed his roommates' ability to effectively distract him.

There was only one remedy for this, and for that, Itachi needed to pay a visit to the grocery store.

Twenty minutes later, Itachi was doing his best to ignore the curious stares of the shoppers as he sauntered down the aisle that housed the laxatives. He picked up and read the packaging on each and every one before deciding on one powdered one that claimed to be 'tasteless, odorless, and colourless' and to 'dissolve rapidly into whatever meal you are eating!'

It was perfect.

Itachi took the fairly large packet, and carried it to the checkout. He could use this single packet of powdered laxatives to start his lifelong dream of world domination, as long as his plan played out as he wanted it to, which it would! If his calculations were correct, he could be the world's next ruler in six point seven seven three three one six eight (6.7733168) years, _just _by the usage of this product.

The cashier backed away warily as an evilly smirking, self-satisfied Uchiha advanced towards him with the large packet of powdered laxatives.

Three days later, Itachi sat in the same position, with a similarly scrumptious meal. He sent Samehada, who was eyeing him from the living room, a devilish smirk before dumping half the packet of powdered laxative over his plate and spreading it evenly with his knife. He watched with ill-contained satisfaction as the tiny white crystals dissolved into the plate of food. Now all he had to do was wait.

Itachi heard the tell-tale shuffling from the living room, but did not dismiss it like he usually would. He got up off his chair and sauntered over to the refrigerator, leaning slowly to peer inside it for his bottle of wine. By the time he turned around, his plate of steak and scalloped potatoes was gone, and replaced by the infuriating plate of plastic fruits.

But this time, Itachi smirked with satisfaction, waiting for the results of his plan to play out.

In the living room, Samehada angrily slammed his nose repeatedly against his glass prison, desperate to come out and save his father... ahem... master.

* * *

"This is the best steak I have ever tasted, un!" Deidara screamed from the rooftop of the Akatsuki building. "I love stealing from that bastard Uchiha, un!"

Kisame wordlessly agreed, scarfing down scalloped potatoes and nodding his head. Beside him, Sasori expertly dodged the occasional (and not so occasional) airborne pieces of shredded potatoes. Sometimes he could tell that Kisame was eating by the cloud (or rather, maelstrom) of partly chewed food surrounding the man's head.

He reached forward and helped himself to the food on the plate.

Minutes later, all three men halted their eating with similar expressions of discomfort.

"Guysh..." Kisame started with his mouth full. "Doesh shumshing feer weirg choo you?" (Which is interpreted - 'Guys, does something feel weird to you?') No sooner had the seafood enthusiast spoken than three long, rather conspicuous stomach rumbles followed.

There was a pause.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

And then the three men took off as fast as their legs could carry them, uncaring about the food spilling onto the concrete rooftop as they ran. Legs strangely clamped together at the thighs and ass muscles clenched as tightly as possible, the trio tumbled down the stairs in a mad rush for the bathroom.

"Me first, un!" Deidara yelled, clawing his way to the front. He was jerked back when Kisame grabbed the back of his shirt and flung him backwards.

Not to be beat, Sasori stuck out a leg between Kisame's feet, sending the larger man tumbling to the floor.

But Deidara was not yet down and out, and the blonde clamped surprisingly strong fingers around the redhead's ankles.

Sasori tripped, falling face first as Deidara scrambled over his back in an effort to get ahead.

But Kisame flung himself on the blonde's back, stepping ruthlessly on him as the bathroom door came into sight.

"Mine!" the large man shouted commandingly. To their left, Samehada slammed his nose into the glass of his tank, baring his teeth at Deidara. The blonde made eye contact as the large shark hit the glass of the tank with his nose.

One second.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Two seconds.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Three seconds.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

And an evil glint surfaced in Deidara's eyes.

"I'm coming for you, Shark Bastard, un!" the blonde screamed ferally, abandoning the race to bathroom in favor of Samehada's much closer, much more available water prison.

"You're gonna eat my runny crap tonight, un, you evil devil spawn!" Deidara cackled, taking off in the direction of the tank.

_Screech!_

Kisame's skidding to a halt as he prepared to change directions to save his beloved son... ahem... pet... was audible. Sasori, unprepared for the large man's sudden stop, went crashing into Kisame's back, sending the two men careening into one of Itachi's many Ming vases - the Uchiha was using the vases as a method of mind control over himself, creating the illusion that his lodgings were more luxurious than they actually were.

There was a resounding crash as the vase shattered.

Meanwhile, Deidara was running in slow motion towards Samehada's tank, evil glint in his eye and maniacal smirk on his lips.

Kisame scrambled to his feet, uncaring of the porcelain splinters on the floor, stepping on the back of Sasori's neck as he did so, and sending the redhead's face smashing into the splinters.

Kisame charged, at normal speed, after Deidara, who was still running in slow motion, grabbed him by the hair, and flung him away from Samehada's tank.

Sasori struggled to his feet and limped into the bathroom, porcelain splinters sticking from his face, and weakly closed the door behind him.

Kisame and Deidara were still in the midst of struggling when Itachi strolled onto the scene, holding the packet of laxatives in his hands. Kisame and Deidara stopped moving immediately, frozen as they realized what had befallen them.

Sasori stumbled out of the bathroom even more weakly than when he had entered, and he too froze when he saw what Itachi had in his hands.

"You have been had. I believe this is where they say... 'Gotcha'," the stoic Uchiha said, waves of self-satisfaction emanating from him.

"You bastard!" all three men screamed, the very same time that a stream of bubbles (translated as 'You filthy scum!') burst from Samehada's mouth as he attacked the glass of his tank.

Itachi gave them an evil smile as they approached him.

* * *

**_TO BE CONTINUED . . .!_**

* * *

**Hehehe. **

**Next time, on Roomies:**

**- Itachi's plan is revealed**

**- Itachi and Hinata's first date**

**- The India Team Zero Zero One plan revenge**

* * *

**Please review, desu!**


	6. SE01 Episode 6: And Itachi's Sugar

**So terribly sorry for the delay, everyone! Yet another network error. Several actors were injured... (lmao).**

**To make up for this, the producers demanded an episode that was longer the usual.**

**Thank you for your patience.**

**OOCness abounds. No like? Change the channel.**

* * *

**Episode 6: And Itachi's Sugar**

_Last time, on Roomies:-_

_Itachi came back into the dining room, armed with a baseball bat to effectively delete that pesky rat from existence. By the time he reentered the room, however, the rat and his late lunch of spicy curried prawns, white rice and Ceasar Salad, have disappeared, the latter being replaced by a plateful of cheap plastic fruits._

_Itachi sat in the same position, with a similarly scrumptious meal. He sent Samehada, who was eyeing him from the living room, a devilish smirk before dumping half the packet of powdered laxative over his plate and spreading it evenly with his knife. He watched with ill-contained satisfaction as the tiny white crystals dissolved into the plate of food._

_"Guysh..." Kisame started with his mouth full. "Doesh shumshing feer weirg choo you?" (Which is interpreted - 'Guys, does something feel weird to you?') No sooner had the seafood enthusiast spoken than three long, rather conspicuous stomach rumbles followed. _

_There was a pause._

_One second._

_Two seconds._

_Three seconds._

_And then the three men took off as fast as their legs could carry them, uncaring about the food spilling onto the concrete rooftop as they ran. Legs strangely clamped together at the thighs and ass muscles clenched as tightly as possible, the trio tumbled down the stairs in a mad rush for the bathroom._

_"You bastard!" all three men screamed, the very same time that a stream of bubbles (translated as 'You filthy scum!') burst from Samehada's mouth as he attacked the glass of his tank._

_Itachi gave them an evil smile as they approached him._

* * *

The Uchiha waited for them to get closer to him.

One second.

The other men were still darting across the room, eyes angry and mouths snarling.

Two seconds.

Samehada was swimming in zig-zag motions, keyed up with all the action. He wore a devilish sharky grin as he cheered for his father … ahem... master.

Three seconds.

The door to the apartment opened, and Hinata stepped inside, then, at that exact moment, Itachi blew them all a very wet sounding raspberry. He went the whole nine yards; tongue between the lips, cheeks puffed, eyes delighting in his results. The sound was absolutely atrocious, and whoever has ever both heard someone blowing a raspberry and had the runs (not specifically at the same time) would know why.

It could also be asked why the Uchiha would do something so undignified, but it was all a part of his master plan. See, it is a truth universally known that when one has a full bladder or is having the runs, anything mimicking the sound of the passage of bodily waste is like a sort of mental torture which manifests itself as the intense physical desire to relieve one's self.

The other part of the plan was to have Hinata see them as they experienced this plight. How this linked with the domination of the world, the Uchiha would not expect lowly minds such as those of ninety nine point nine seven percent (99.97%) of the world to ever understand.

But so far, his plan was working without so much as the smallest hitch.

At the appalling sound coming from his mouth, Kisame, Sasori and Deidara froze in position, acute feelings of discomfort spreading from their stomachs to their rear ends, and then it was another scramble for the toilet. Deidara managed to pull ahead, hair streaming behind him as he sprinted towards the closest bathroom, one hand clamped to his ass.

Seeing that Deidara had laid claim to a bathroom, Sasori quickly advanced towards the next available one, moving so stealthily Kisame did not even see him depart. The seafood enthusiast instead tried to beat Deidara to the bathroom, but his face was met with the bathroom door as it slammed shut before him.

All this happened in the proverbial blink of an eye.

Of course, Hinata was completely shocked at the behaviour of her new roommates. Her grey eyes widened in surprise and she halted sharply in the doorway.

"Wh-What's going on?" she asked, the room cleared of people, with the exception of Itachi, by the time the question was out. Itachi turned slowly to face her, and blinked solemnly.

"They are all sick. It must be something they ate. It looks as if they will miss the Kirabi concert tonight," the Uchiha said. Hinata's eyes dulled with concern as she thought of her roommates, but then the grey orbs brightened.

"There is a Kirabi concert tonight?" she asked, her voice holding her trademark whispery tone. Itachi only gave her a small nod in response, but the sharpening of his gaze, to any skilled enough to notice, signified his appreciation of the magnitude that Hinata's desire to go to the concert had on his plan of world domination.

From the direction of the bathrooms, savage shouts could be heard from the other roommates, who, though occupied with the emptying of their bowels, could hear fragments of the conversation outside.

It just so happened that they were all Kirabi fans.

Coincidence?

Not so much.

"Itachi, you bastard!" Deidara screamed, his words muffled by the wooden bathroom door, but still penetrating both the wood and the thumps Kisame was making on the object as he tried to claw his way to the toilet.

"Hn," Itachi grunted before turning to Hinata. This was a prime opportunity to take her out and have her to himself... and by that, he clearly meant that he would have an opportunity to study her...her beautification technique. He _would _figure her out.

"Are you going?" Hinata asked Itachi, ignoring the others in favor of securing a ticket and a drive to the concert. Itachi's eyes narrowed. Up til this point, Hinata had been very kind and considerate, soft-spoken and meek... but it seemed she had a weakness for Kirabi, if her apparent unconcern for the other roommates was any indication.

Excellent.

Even if he had not been going before, he would be going now.

"Yes. I will be attending," he responded, ignoring Samehada, who had begun to swim in frustrated circles in the confines of his tank.

"I had no idea you liked rap music, Itachi," Hinata said, her eyes showing a deeper appreciation for the Uchiha in the face of this new knowledge.

Excellent.

Strangely enough, or not so strangely, Samehada had really taken a liking to Hinata.

What Itachi found strange was that Hinata had taken a liking to Samehada. She was not in the same range as Kisame, but still, it was strange.

Itachi did not like it.

And what rankled was that he was the only one that she did not have an attachment with. She tolerated Deidara far more than was customary for people, she allowed Sasori to play with her hair (and he had yet to try to cut it off), she was rather close with Kisame and with Samehada, but with him she was... just normal.

Itachi did not like it at all.

But her eyes held deeper appreciation for him in this moment. He had to take advantage of this!

"Yes, I do. I find that the patterns and flows of the raps show a deep psychological process that is hidden from the general public," Itachi said, picking up his car keys off a nearby table. "Would you like to join me to see Kirabi?" he asked. Hinata's eyes brightened. In the background, Samehada gave his glass one petulant, and slightly dizzy, thump with his snout, before sinking to the bottom of the tank.

Kisame turned in time to see his beloved shark faint from his frenzied spinning, and gave him a glance of longing. Indecision lit up the seafood enthusiast's eyes as he struggled to determine whether he should run to his son... ahem... pet, or keep trying to get into the bathroom.

"S-Samehada..." he whispered, in deep emotional pain because he wanted so much to see if the shark was alright, but needing the bathroom far too much to move so much as an inch.

"I would be delighted!" Hinata exclaimed, oblivious to Kisame's struggles, but then she faltered. "...What about the others?" Itachi gave her a deep and meaningful look... which translated as... well, a blank stare.

"We could do without their disturbance tonight," he said, his voice sultry... except it came over in his signature flat apathetic tone. So it was no wonder that Hinata did not catch on to his undertones at all. However, Itachi viewed Hinata as a higher mammal as a result. Higher than most humans. So he surmised that it must be her supreme self control and excellent resistance that had her impervious to his charms.

Unnoticed by either of them, Kisame slunk off into the passageway, eyeing Itachi with a dark glare as he passed. Kisame was wondering if the door to the bathroom Sasori was in was less sturdy than the one Deidara had locked in his face.

"Hmm... they are very excitable, aren't they..?" Hinata chuckled. "Okay, do I have time to change?" she asked, glancing down at her work outfit. Itachi's eyes trailed over her figure before he nodded slightly.

"That would be acceptable," he replied. Hinata gave him a small smile before she moved off to her room to change.

If Itachi thought that Kisame (and Samehada) would go down without a fight, he was wrong. Kisame, still desperately clutching his rear end as he lurked in the passageway that led to the bedrooms, stared at Hinata as she approached. His eyes glittered with purpose.

"Hinata... are you going with Itachi to see Kirabi?" he asked, his voice strained as he struggled to wait out Sasori's endeavors in the bathroom.

"Yes. I am so sorry you're not feeling well. I wish you could come," Hinata said genuinely. She liked Kisame.

"It's... It's okay," Kisame groaned, his extreme discomfort evident in his voice. "Just make sure that when you buy food, you put Itachi's favorite sugar on it, else he will not eat it, and will get all pissy and surly on ya..." the seafood enthusiast warned. Hinata nodded, brows pulling together in concentration.

"Okay... Is there anything else I should know?" she asked, resting a hand on Kisame's shoulder.

"...Just one more thing. Make sure you use the entire packet. You know he loves his food sweet, and he will know if it's not sweet enough for him. When that happens..." Kisame said, allowing his voice to trail off meaningfully. Hinata's eyes widened, since Kisame was much more skilled in translating emotions.

"I will do my best," she said. "Where is the sugar?" Kisame shuffled to the edge of the passageway.

"You know how controlling he is... he put it in that white bag over there hoping to deter us from eating the sugar. Just make sure to take it with you when you leave," Kisame whispered, motioning towards the white bag that Itachi had rested on the table as he waited for Hinata.

Out of nowhere, Sasori appeared, eyeing Hinata's silky hair.

"It is imperative that you be stealthy," Sasori said quietly, visualizing his hand filled with Hinata's shorn locks.

Magnificent.

"Okay," Hinata said, hoping to give Itachi as much of the sugar as was possible to ensure a lovely evening out. Her cousin was a bona-fide ninja. She could definitely be stealthy enough!

* * *

Itachi looked up as Hinata stepped from the darkened passage. She looked absolutely amazing. He'd only ever seen her in home apparel and work suits, so this change from the norm took him a bit by surprise.

Hinata was dressed in a tight, short black dress that accentuated her womanly curves and, since her hair was pulled to one side in a neat side-ponytail, revealed the majority of the creamy skin of her back. This she wore with high heels that made her legs look longer than Itachi _knew _that they were.

He was aware that she distracted him, and he did not like it.

He wanted to be the one that distracted _her. _This was not at all going according to his plan.

Ultimate domination was key.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked.

"Yes, I am," Itachi responded, moments later than he would have if speaking to any other woman. Hinata gave him a smile and then moved towards the door. No words were spoken on the short walk to Itachi's car, but Itachi was aware of everything about Hinata.

She moved so gracefully. Smiled so beautifully.

She looked perfect.

She must be his. It was key for his plan. He had to have her at his side.

But she was impervious to his charms. He must use his time at the concert wisely, and win her over. He must break through her defenses and woo her.

Half hour later, Itachi and Hinata were in the front VIP section of the crowd, right below the stage. Kirabi was in his element, his rapping flow unparalleled.

Itachi drew close to Hinata, eyeing her discreetly as she danced and waved her hands. The car ride had been just as silent as the walk, but Itachi had not minded. It was much easier to plan in silence. He just needed to woo her. Then, he could take over his father's company while they were busy being stunned by her beauty. Then, once he was in control of the Uchiha empire, he could buy out the record company that managed Kirabi, and then he was free to insert subtle mind-controlling words into Kirabi's lyrics so as to dominate all his listeners, and subsequently, the entire world!

But Hinata was not noticing him.

At all.

Her eyes were glued to the singer on the stage. Itachi needed to find a way to impress her. To take her attention from the stage, and to him, so he could adequately woo her.

But no matter how hard he thought, he could come up with nothing.

Why?

Because every time he thought about her, he would look at her. And when he looked at her, she used her distraction technique on him, _without even looking in his direction _(how in Kami's name did she _know_ he was looking at her even when he was being subtle?), and then he would lose his entire train of thought.

So Itachi took advantage of her apparent lack of attention to him, and reached for his phone. He needed ideas, because the song would be over soon, and then he would be caught at a loss. He'd never had to make an actual effort to impress a female before. This was uncharted territory for him, and when in uncharted territory, Itachi did one thing.

Research.

He stealthily slid his phone from his pocket and opened the browser on the large touch screen.

_How To Impress Females On A Date_

Itachi watched the pages load with ill-contained, and uncharacteristic impatience. Why was it taking so long?

In his mind's eye, Itachi could see himself throwing his useless phone to the ground and crushing it! It was taking over three seconds to give him results! Finally, the page loaded, and at the top of the list was something about buying her good food.

That he could do.

"I have an excellent sense of taste," he muttered to himself, thinking the music would cover his words.

The music stopped. At that exact moment.

How cliched was that?

Of course, Hinata turned to him, grey eyes expectant. Itachi suddenly found it hard to swallow.

Why did he want to swallow anyway?

"What do you mean?" she asked. Itachi thought as fast as he could with her looking at him.

"I have excellent taste, therefore I will be suitably equipped to get you something to eat," he responded as stoically as he could. To his satisfaction, her grey eyes lit up.

"Oh good! I was getting hungry," she said with a small laugh. "Let's go right after the show."

* * *

Hinata waited until Itachi looked away from his plate before quickly and stealthily sprinkling a generous amount of sugar on his plate. The white crystals dissolved remarkably swiftly and were gone by the time his attention was back on her.

"How is the food?" she asked tentatively. She needed to know if she had put enough. Kisame's fervent tone replayed in her mind.

"It is... very good," Itachi responded, with as much of as smile as she had ever seen on him... well his lip twitched at the side... but that was it. Still, she took it as a good sign, because it wasn't the smirk he sometimes wore.

Kisame had been right. It _was _his favorite sugar.

"What is that white thing on the wall over there? I forget the name..." she murmured, trying to distract him again so that she could give him more of the sugar. Neji's ninja training was coming into play.

When Itachi turned his head, Hinata dumped almost half of the package into his drink.

"It's a moulding strip," he said, turning back to face her. Hinata cheered inside her head. She was being such a good friend; taking care of Itachi's needs like that without him even noticing!

All throughout the dinner, Itachi noticed that Hinata's eyes were glued to him, and she had a most satisfied expression on her face. Was she actually becoming susceptible to the charming aura he had been projecting? He had been speaking to her, since the site he'd found on his phone pointed out that silence was a faux pas if one wanted to impress his date.

His plan was working!

Hinata thought that when Itachi was in this setting, he was actually a good conversationalist. His speech was still rigid, and he had a very... pointed stare... but all in all it was somewhat tolerable...?

At the very moment that she was thinking this, Itachi tapped the side of his knife to his glass to call the attention of the waiter.

"Minion. Bring us the bill," he demanded in a smooth tone. The uniformed man blinked dumbly at Itachi and, slowly, one of his brows rose.

Hinata covered her face with her hands.

"I can bring you the bill, sir, but I'm not your _minion," _the waiter returned, facing off with Itachi.

Itachi frowned. This lesser mammal was challenging him? In front of the woman who had caught his attention?

Unacceptable!

Itachi stood, reveling in the fact that he was several inches taller than the _minion. _

"Remove the tone of challenge from your words, minion, before I make you regret your existence," he said smoothly, glaring at the man before him.

"Oh?" the waiter asked, clearly disbelieving. He took a step closer to Itachi. Hinata squeaked in embarrassment. "How do you plan on doing that?"

"Do you value your position here?" Itachi asked.

"It's my last day," the waiter responded.

"Hmm, your loved ones..." Itachi said, clearly insinuating something devious.

"Are all dead. Orphan. I don't love anyone," the waiter said cooly. Itachi opened his mouth to say something else, but before he could speak, a loud, very distinct rumble sounded from his stomach as something _shifted. _

Itachi's eyes widened.

No!

This... if it was what he suspected... would set him back by a quickly calculated five point seven seven two (5.772) years!

No! He could not be having the runs!

HOW WAS THIS HAPPENING?

A flash of teeth from the corner of his periphery had Itachi's head swinging sharply to the side, _just _in time to see a flash of blue, blonde and red disappear around a corner.

He would kill the three of them! Kisame, Sasori and Deidara deserved to _die!_

_Right after he found a bathroom!_

* * *

**AGH Finally! Let's hope the show can go on with less hitches and delays. **

**Next time, on Roomies:-**

**- It's Pet Day in Konoha and a big event will be held at the park! ... Whatever will Kisame do?**

**Please, stay tuned for more!**


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